I’ve never been more shook than when I saw this pregnancy test. This dream has been a long time coming.

We really wanted to get pregnant last year, but I just wasn’t healthy enough to pursue that journey – mentally or physically – despite how much I wanted to be.

And so we waited.
And prayed.
And made lifestyle changes to better my mind, body, and soul.

And when Fall rolled around, I felt good. No, I felt great.
Hopeful, happy, and finally ready to take the leap to start trying.

But as quickly as I let my foot leave the ledge came the anxiety that I had worked so dang hard to get rid of.
The rapid heart rate I couldn’t get down.
The dizziness I couldn’t get rid of.
The panic attacks I couldn’t get under control.
All the symptoms that I had fought off for months came rushing back in a matter of hours.
I was absolutely devastated.

And along with the physical pain came the lies. Oh good gracious, how loud were the lies.
“You can’t do this.”
“You’re not a good enough mom to have another one.”
“You’ll never be healthy enough to carry another baby.”

Holy smokes, I’m shaking just remembering these vicious lies I let myself believe.
But thank goodness I serve a victorious God.

At first I tried to fight it alone, not telling a soul what I was constantly battling in my head. But God quickly convicted me to let my people in – and I’m so so thankful that I did.

I began to realize that the more I spoke my fears out loud, the less power they had over me. God faithfully used my vulnerability to make me brave.

So with God’s grace as my guide, I kept moving forward in faith. Believing it would happen in His perfect timing. Trusting that He would make a way.

But with each “not yet” answer I got, the more weary I grew. So much so that I ended up absolutely hysterical one night, and that breakdown led to an important conversation between me and my husband.
A conversation neither of us wanted to have, but one that was desperately needed.

After that discussion, God changed my heart and my perspective in such a powerful way. And from that moment on, I declared that I would walk this journey with real faith, with real trust, and with a true longing for His plan, not mine.

Little did I know, the journey was almost over, as just two short weeks later, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.

I was speechless.
I was overwhelmed.
I was in disbelief.
I was blown away in the most beautiful way.

I was so in awe of how God answered this prayer. And I had so much peace, because even though I knew the chapter ahead of me would be far from easy (and oh boy has it been really stinking hard already) I knew that I could do it, because He answered this prayer at this moment for a reason – and I know He’s not going to leave me now.
Nope. Not ever.

Thank you, Jesus.

Sweet Baby D, you are such a miracle. You are so loved and have been fervently prayed for. I know you’re going to be a world changer, because you’ve already changed mine. I promise to fight for you always and do my best to point you towards the perfect God who fearfully and wonderfully created you. Mama loves you fiercely and can’t wait to meet you face to face.

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