I have to do WHAT?!

Has God ever told you that you needed to do something and it was the complete opposite of what you wanted to do? Well this has been a recurring theme in my life the last year.

Recently I was involved in a situation where I was extremely hurt by someone that I care about. With out putting all their business on the internet here is the short  version of the situation. They started dating someone that was connected mutually to us. The issue wasn’t that they were dating, but who. When I found out I was completely shocked and hurt.

These feelings took me back to several years ago when me and this person was dating. As I was sitting in my bed replaying our time together it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had never truly forgiven this person or forgiven myself for the things done in this relationship. I told myself so many times that I had forgiven them and myself. I said those words but I did not mean them. When you truly forgive someone you may not forget what was done but you don’t let the thought of it cause you to react. I reacted every time I thought about the past.  How could I move forward and I had not forgiven and let go of the past.

God placed in my spirit to forgive them in that moment. Forgive them and move forward. But I couldn’t, I was hurt. God why do I have to forgive someone who hasn’t even asked for my forgiveness or even thinks they were wrong? At this moment I wanted to let the person know all they did in the past 5 years that hurt me.(Honest moment: That is exactly what I did. God is still working on me lol.)  I felt they owed me for the pain they caused.

After releasing my feelings in that moment I felt horrible. I wanted to take back most of what I said to them over the last 24 hours. But I couldn’t. So here I am asking them to forgive me for what I had done to hurt them but I couldn’t forgive them? How does that work?

I decided that it was time to truly forgive. I was tired of going through the same cycle with my ex. I was tired of going around the mountain and not passing this forgiveness test. I decided in that moment that I had to truly forgive. I could not see myself going through all I had just experienced for the rest of my life since we share a child together.

Forgiving someone who you interact with on the regular basis is one of the most difficult things I’ve done. In all honesty I normally just cut people off when I’m hurt by them and then it becomes out of sight out of mind. But in this situation I have to practice that forgiveness is a choice and every time we interact I remind myself of that choice. I wouldn’t want God to not forgive me for the wrong I’ve done. So as a Christian who is desiring to be more like Christ I had to realize forgiving him was actually blessing me.

True forgiveness is something new for me as I am still a work in progress, but I am very grateful for the growth.

If you are working on forgiveness as well, here are some bible verses to reference: Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:31-32, Matthew 6:9-15, Mark 11:25, and Romans 12:18

2 thoughts on “I have to do WHAT?!

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